August 31, 2026 \ Edition 52

This week, I went to a funeral. I know what you are thinking:  I should be playing pickleball, or doing improv, or volunteering or hosting a block party. I am doing all those things but I have long believed in going to funerals. When I was at NPR, a radio producer named Jay Allison created a new version of Edward R. Murrow’s This I Believe series. Jay’s version had many famous essayists – Muhammad Ali, Margaret Meade, and Elie Wiesel – just to name a few but the one that has stuck with me all these many years was by a freelance lawyer in Brooklyn called “Always Go to the Funeral”.  Going to funerals is a life philosophy about the importance of showing up at life’s most critical juncture even when it is inconvenient or uncomfortable. 

So I hopped in my car and drove the three hours to Swarthmore, PA for the memorial service for Ann Skeath, the mother of my college friend Sue. I went to show my support for Sue of course but also because it is a civic and social virtue. Showing up for the dead (and for the living) is a form of "civic community" — a social obligation among and across generations.  It’s a form of generalized reciprocity, possibly at its most extreme, addressed to both past and future generations — you're not doing it for a payback from the deceased, you're doing it because that's what a functioning community does for its members.  How research has show that the more civic a community— measured by newspaper readership, voter turnout, sports-club membership, and blood donation rates – the more likely people are to show up for funerals. 

Friendships may be built around the happy moments but they are confirmed and cemented around all the ups and downs of live.  Robert Putnam, he of Bowling Alone fame, has said "If you don't go to somebody's funeral, they won't come to yours."  I told another college friend at the memorial service that I plan to predecease him and he better show up at my funeral.  He agreed.  Regardless of what plays out, I’m glad to know that I have friends who will, if not always go every funeral, will always plan to go to mine.

Read on!