Social connection is a lot like the weather - we all talk about it, but no one does anything about it. This newsletter is here to change that: to raise awareness about the importance of connection and create a space for real conversation.

Finally! Someone asks me a question with which I have personal experience. Ask Ken Jr. is off to college in September, and the Ask Ken family has mostly survived the process, albeit with a few dings and faceplants along the way. 

But first, a clarification. Your question mentions a “junior high schooler”. If you mean junior high school in the sense of 7^th and 8^th grade, then my advice is to take a deep breath, grab a nice nap, and wake up in about three years when it might be an appropriate time to talk about the college application process. 

But you likely mean a “junior in high school” so here are a few things I learned during the process with Ask Ken Jr. 

Distinguish between your own anxiety and the college process itself. I don’t remember my parents being more than passingly involved in my application process, but society is now signaling that parents today should be hyper-vigilant. I have friends with similarly aged children to Ask Ken Jr who were deeply, deeply (did I say deeply?) invested in the process, and every time I talked with them, I came away certain that Ask Ken Jr. was falling behind  – which I then dutifully passed on all that emotional baggage to Ask Ken Jr.  That wasn’t fair to him, and some of the missteps in our process frankly reflect more about my fears than rational decision making.   

Use a cutout. Not the cardboard kind, but the type you find in spy movies, where information goes through intermediaries in order to insulate both the recipient and the giver. The same applies here.  We encouraged college counselors, teachers, relatives, and friends to engage with Ask Ken Jr.  Likely, they said the same things we would have said but the same thoughts that would have been met with suspicion and irritation coming from us went down far easier coming from trusted, nonparental third parties. Perhaps it shouldn’t be that way, but it almost always is. 

Especially now when you still have lots of time before applications are due, take some of the pressure off. Many of our conversations about college with Ask Ken Jr. focused on the timing of the process, with the implied or direct statements that he couldn’t be trusted to meet deadlines on his own (he couldn’t). There may be a time and a place for that conversation, but for now you can lead with curiosity with questions less focused on the process, and more about what your kid might want: "What do you imagine yourself doing after high school?" or "What parts of school actually feel worthwhile to you?” You might be surprised by the interesting thoughts you get back. 

This can be a fun process, perhaps the last big one before your kid takes off for college and leaves a big empty hole in your heart (apparently Ask Ken Sr has some issues to work out). We combined college visits with family trips, we met up with his friends and some of mine on various visits, we listened to endless hours of the Rest is History podcast in the car (so good) and I detoured with Ask Ken Jr  on various trips to do some reporting for the Century Lives podcast (even better). When Ask Ken Jr got an application off, we celebrated with his favorite pizza. He applied to a lot of schools. We ate a lot of pizza. The point is that while there is a certain amount of tension built into the process, there is also a lot to discover together, including the joys of anchovies and onions on pizza. 

And don’t be afraid to ask for help if things get a bit shaky. It could be a friend, it could be a family therapist, or it could be your kid’s college counselor. I don’t know that I ever met my college counselor in the way back days, but times have changed. College counselors are, by necessity, more active now and more tutored in helping families navigate complex and freighted situations like this. 

Good luck! 

Do you have a social connection question for Ken?

This Week in Social Connection

One of the hardest challenges of social connection as we age is that many of the lasting bonding experiences that create lifelong friendships are associated with childhood and early adulthood: school, first job, camp, for example. But they don’t have to be.   

That’s the message of Camp No Counselors, an adult sleepaway camp that holds three-night sessions each summer across the country. The events give attendees a chance to connect in ways they haven’t done since their youth - filling their days with everything from camp Olympics and waterfront activities to yoga and arts, and their nights with themed parties, live music, and campfires. Participants often span decades - retirees learning pickleball alongside people in their 30s, or grandparents swapping stories with newly empty nesters. 

If memory serves, quite a bit can go wrong for a kid's camp experience, and so apparently is the case for Camp No Counselors, witness this Buzzfeed article which offers a Fyre Festival like vibe to its reporting. But in general, the camp has proved popular with adults, likely because of the connective value of play and the chance, increasingly rare in our age, to spend time with new people in a relaxed environment.   

Social Connection in the News

Like many places, our neighborhood grocery store is getting a little less personal and a lot more automated. Sure, there are still plenty of regular checkout lines to complement the self-checkout machines, but for how much longer? 

Well, if you are a customer of the Dutch grocery chain Jumbo, the answer is for a lot longer. Five years ago (news sometimes moves slowly across the Atlantic), Jumbo rolled out the Kletskassa, or chat checkout. These designated lanes are designed for customers who aren’t in a rush and would welcome a conversation - turning an everyday errand into an opportunity for social connection. 

The initiative was first launched as part of the One Against Loneliness campaign, and the case for the Kletskassa has only increased since. Today, hundreds of stores have embraced the concept, some even adding “chat corners” where customers can sit, have coffee, and connect with others in their community. 

We don’t know exactly how the Kletskassa works. Perhaps it’s a bit like the old Geico sloth commercial where everything moves at just a slower pace, but it’s more likely that patrons and cashiers are encouraged to emphasize conversation and neighborliness in addition to the commercial transaction.  And who wouldn’t like the idea that when we can ask “Hoe is je dag geweest?”, the other person has time for a considered response.   

Following up

Last week, we told you about the “Call a Boomer” phone outside a coffee shop on the Boston University campus. It’s a powerful story about the opportunity for intergenerational connection, but most of the reporting has focused on the young people on one end of the call and not given equal time to the older adults on the other end.   

The other end is across the country in Reno, NV, just outside an affordable senior community run by Volunteers of America. The phone there is marked “Call a Zoomer”.  Most of the calls seem to originate on the East Coast, at least so far - but the older adults at the VOA community are nonetheless eager participants in the process. Said resident Maria Jaynes: "This connection is so needed for both the young ones and old ones. I enjoy talking to people and try to do so every day. It keeps me active and aware of what is going on. I just love it.”  Now the only challenge is to make sure that we have enough coins around to pay for our calls. 

Like many places, our neighborhood grocery store is getting a little less personal and a lot more automated. Sure, there are still plenty of regular checkout lines to complement the self-checkout machines, but for how much longer? 

Well, if you are a customer of the Dutch grocery chain Jumbo, the answer is for a lot longer. Five years ago (news sometimes moves slowly across the Atlantic), Jumbo rolled out the Kletskassa, or chat checkout. These designated lanes are designed for customers who aren’t in a rush and would welcome a conversation - turning an everyday errand into an opportunity for social connection. 

The initiative was first launched as part of the One Against Loneliness campaign, and the case for the Kletskassa has only increased since. Today, hundreds of stores have embraced the concept, some even adding “chat corners” where customers can sit, have coffee, and connect with others in their community. 

We don’t know exactly how the Kletskassa works. Perhaps it’s a bit like the old Geico sloth commercial where everything moves at just a slower pace, but it’s more likely that patrons and cashiers are encouraged to emphasize conversation and neighborliness in addition to the commercial transaction.  And who wouldn’t like the idea that when we can ask “Hoe is je dag geweest?”, the other person has time for a considered response.   

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