Social connection is a lot like the weather - we all talk about it, but no one does anything about it. This newsletter is here to change that: to raise awareness about the importance of connection and create a space for real conversation.

I don’t know if there is a hard and fast rule here, Pam. It largely depends on the other person's bandwidth, your shared history, and whether your invitations to them feel welcome or not. Some friendships naturally have one person who initiates more, and both people are fine with that. 

There are other relationships in which one side ardently pursues friendship, much to the chagrin of the other. For a literary example of this, consider the tempestuous relationship between Spongebob Squarepants and his neighbor Squidward Tentacles. Spongebob is constantly in pursuit of friendship and engagement with Squidward, despite Squidward’s loud insistence that he would rather be left alone. The conflict is so open that you might think that Squidward would seek some type of restraining order, assuming such things are available in the underwater village of Bikini Bottom. But he doesn’t, and that may be because deep down, Squidward values his relationship with Spongebob and would be saddened if Spongebob ever turned away. 

So maybe you are just the Spongebob in this relationship, the happy-go-lucky creator of chaos and fun, but I doubt you would write to me if you thought that was the case. Perhaps your outreach is ignored sometimes, or even if they say yes, they cancel at the last moment. Or perhaps when they show up, your friend is disengaged or going through the motion, instead of being happy to see you. A friend who rarely initiates but always shows up warm and present is very different from one who rarely initiates and often bails or seems distracted. 

If that is the case, consider creating some space. If weeks pass and you don't hear from them, that's data. If they reach out wondering where you've been, that will also tell you something about the status of your friendship. 

Friendships sometimes have their own lifecycles. What may have once been close may now feel less urgent and important. Tastes and needs sometimes just change. There is a sadness to this, especially if one friend doesn’t feel the change and the other one does, but it’s part of life. But if you conclude that the one-sidedness of your relationship is no longer acceptable to you, it is ok to feel sad about it, but remember there will always be others who will value your friendship appropriately and give back what is given. 

Do you have a social connection question for Ken?

This Week in Social Connection

We’re all in on the value of social connections. Connections with close friends, family members, neighbors, even with people you barely know (sometimes called “consequential strangers”), or even with people you don’t know at all (just plain strangers) – they all can reduce the risk of loneliness and increase your prospects for good health.   

In this age of disconnection, it seems like any human contact should be valuable. Not so fast. New research suggests that some negative relationships - those that regularly create stress or conflict - may actually accelerate biological aging.  

The researchers in this study describe these difficult connections as “hasslers,” (our term is less polite). The study of 2,000 adults in Indiana found that almost 30% of adults report having at least one person in their close network who creates problems or makes life difficult. 

Using DNA-based measures of biological aging, the researchers found that each additional hassler was associated with about a 1.5% faster pace of aging, and a biological age roughly nine months older than otherwise expected. 

Conflicts with family members or relatives appear to have particularly strong effects. The research also found that some groups of people were more vulnerable to having hasslers in their lives: women, people already facing health or social challenges, and those who reported having difficult childhoods.   

Avoiding toxic relationships is easier said than done, but the research gives further incentive for people to set boundaries and invest in positive relationships that can offset the stress created by the hasslers in your life. 

Social Connection in the News

In the episode titled “Mid-Life Crustacean,” Mr. Krabs is feeling old, so he gloms onto Spongebob’s big night out. The night, however, does not conform to his expectations: no clubs, no bars, just pinball arcades, a game of Dungeon and Dragons, some brief roof repairs, and a stop at the Bikini Bottom Library. Despite the odd itinerary, Mr. Krabs ends the night feeling rejuvenated.  

Mr. Krabs was ahead of science. We realized that this week when we came across a 2025 study from the University of Kyoto on the relationship between public libraries and functional health of older Japanese adults.  The study followed 73,138 participants aged 65 years or older in 19 Japanese municipalities for an average of 7.3 years and charted increases in functional disability in the group. 

The finding? That the number of libraries and the number of books in the library were predicators of health: the higher the number, the better the older people in the community scored in terms of functional health.  In areas with ten additional books per capita, the risk of functional impairment was lowered by about 34%, and each additional library in a community was associated with a 48% lower risk of functional disability. 

The association with library and library books held up even after adjusting for people’s individual reading habits. This finding suggests that libraries provide “third space” value beyond the act of reading. According to the researchers, functional benefits of libraries include the social capital they create as providers of cultural activities. In addition, they provide opportunities for engagement akin to social prescribing, whether those are volunteer opportunities or a sense of civic belonging. And finally, the presence of libraries encourages older people to be active, get out of the house, and engage in the world beyond their own dwelling. 

Now, if only Bikini Bottom would open a second branch… 

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