Social connection is a lot like the weather - we all talk about it, but no one does anything about it. This newsletter is here to change that: to raise awareness about the importance of connection and create a space for real conversation.

My answer to you, John, largely hinges upon what he is watching. If it’s The Pitt, Shrinking or Stranger Things, what can I say, this is the golden age of television. If it’s old reruns of Big Bang Theory, Hillbilly Handfishin’, or My Lottery Dream House, then we absolutely have a problem.

Of course, your father would be better off with a hobby, or a volunteer gig, or anything he is passionate about. It would give him a reason to get up in the morning, out of the house and give him a purpose that we need at any stage of life. Sitting in front of the television all day is a fantastic recipe for social isolation and loneliness, and a terrible one for happiness and good health.

But how do you coax your father off the couch? It turns out that the best way to recruit new participants for an activity, whether it is a volunteer organization or a club, is simply to have someone involved in the group ask. I’ve always assumed, until I read the research, that people find volunteer organizations that they care about— a dog person seeking out the local shelter, for instance. But in fact, it’s mostly through networks: friends and neighbors asking friends and neighbors. In retirement, my father spent a lot of time on a big oral history project. It was relevant to his life and career but the real reason he did it is because his friend Stu ran the project and asked him to help. The question for you John is whether you can find a Stu in your dad’s life and have him help your dad kick that TV habit.

In the end, the best hobby is the one that works for your dad: it can be Pokemon carving, competitive duck herding or noodling (which is the subject of Hillbilly Handfishin’ by the way). If your father gets excited by sticking his hand into a catfish hole, and waiting for one of those big suckers to chomp down, then more power to him, though he may have to road trip to Kentucky since it is illegal in Pennsylvania. But if you have some choice in the matter, look for something that is highly social, either mentally or physically engaging and, if you can swing it, intergenerational. Maybe he can join a mah-jong group or take some classes at the local community college or find a mystery book club. There are endless possibilities if you can get him to take that fi

Do you have a social connection question for Ken?

This Week in Social Connection

Much better if he trundles down to the chess club and plays it mano-a-mano. We already know that in person connection is preferable to online activity in most instances, but it’s nice to see a research report confirm that. And that’s what researchers at BYU did after they reviewed more than 1,000 studies bearing on whether the value of social connection comes from interactions or requires physical co-presence. It’s an important issue when Zoom meetings, texting, and email communications account for such a large percentage of our human interactions.

The results: physical presence matters. Without co-presence, people lose the value of subtle facial signs, synchronized timing and responses, as well as the spontaneous, informal moments that build relationships. People are more likely to be distracted, to multitask and to otherwise not pay sufficient attention when the communications are online. The researchers did find some advantages to virtual settings — like increased participation and more willingness to share individual opinions — but those benefits didn’t outweigh the downsides overall.

In truth, the results are not surprising, but nonetheless in an era of growing “solitary socializing”, they are well worth restating.

Social Connection in the News

As a general rule, we try not to recommend a book before it comes out. We might like the cover art, but who knows what’s inside. But we will make an exception for the forthcoming book, Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How ‘Small’ Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life – A Psychology Professor's Guide to Overcoming Loneliness and Anxiety, because we find the concept and the research behind it so appealing.

We’ve written here before about weak ties, the value of connecting with acquaintances (the butcher, your bus driver, the person who walks a dog along your street) but Gillian Sandstorm takes it to a different level, to understanding the dynamics and value of interacting with complete strangers. Her research has found that strangers are generally more open to conversation than we typically believe, and that small, random interactions with strangers can increase happiness and well-being, improve social skills and self-esteem and reduce anxiety and social biases. It’s all there in black and white, though you will have to wait until March 31 to buy it.

And that gives John’s father almost four weeks to practice the fine art of friendliness, even before the book comes out.

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